If I’m this neurotic, why aren’t I acting?

[solarbird]

I like feedback on things. I really do. I kinda need it. I mean, I’m not looking for people to tell me what I should be recording and shouldn’t – fuck that. I have my music and I write it and I’m recording it, slowly. I kinda just want to know people care enough to react in some way. I tend to think other people want that too, which is why I’m a little hyperactive with the “like” link on Facebook posts, and junk like that. It’s a way of saying, “I saw this and am telling you so.”

I think people tend to forget that I’m totally still feeling my way forward on all this recording and writing and playing and just assume I know more than I do. In fact, this post is triggered by mentioning privately to someone that I was feeling kind of disappointed by the lack of commentary back to me on Sketchy Characters. (Mind you, I know a lot of tracks got played, because Bandcamp has good stats, and that’s super-awesome! But I heard from like four people out of substantially more than 100.) And the person I mentioned this to replied – paraphrasing all this, of course – that they’d listened and just kind of assumed that I knew they liked my music, which I kinda hadn’t done. I kind of have to fight off the whole, “well, they’re saying nothing rather than saying how much that sucked” insecurity bullshit.

I also think people think I have much, much more confidence than I actually do. I don’t, really. I just say fukkit and do things anyway.

And really I suppose were I a Better Self-Actualised Person or whatever psychobabble you put on it, I wouldn’t care. In fact, I shouldn’t! Good artists ignore critics and work for the work, I’m told. (And really, I do. I love this. I just played an hour set for my sound baffles. Yes, I’ll play for inanimate objects. It’s good practice for farmer’s markets, aheh…) But I’ve been playing anything other than flute for barely two years, and while yeah, I’ll say it: I learn pretty fucking fast, I’m still pretty overwhelmed by all the shit I don’t know, and all the things I don’t even know that I don’t know!

Plus there’s the whole, “does this even register out there?” thing. Does it?

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Mirrored from Crime and the Blog of Evil.

Comments

[unexpected_finn]

Uh, yeah, it does register. I'm just not tracking too well now, or talky much. ^_^

(SFX: Wry laughter) Cannot recall whether I gave you any feedback. But I did and do like the work [edit: ah jeez, surely you already knew that]; my Awesome Spouse did and does like it too, and your EP has been in heavy rotation on the player in our kitchen, which is saying something of significance -- you're getting more play than J.S. Bach, right now.

So, keep up the good work. Noticed, but maybe not much-said during this time of quietude at our end.

[solarbird]

Actually you were one of the people I was thinking of who did mention you liked it. And I know how crazy your work schedule is these days, so.

[denelian.livejournal.com]

ok, now i feel bad :(

see, i can't get my computer to play your music [not just yours] and i was *going* ask if you had a different format or something - and then i thought "she's so busy, i don't want to bother her at all, i really don't want to ask her to do more work" -

so, um...
*is* there another format?


all that aside - i know EXACTLY how you feel :(

[solarbird]

Aw, don't. I'm not trying to make people feel bad! I'm just nattering. I do that.

Also, "more work" to listen to the music I'm trying to get people to listen to is what I want. ^_^

Sketchy Characters is also a physical CD! I mean, it's a four-song EP, but it's a standard audio CD, should be playable in any CD player. (It's a burned CD rather than printed; I've never seen a CD player that couldn't play them. I have seen one and only one DVD player - ever - that couldn't play burned CDs or DVDs, because it was INSANELY STUPID. I of course owned this DVD player.)

But I don't have any other formats online.

If you want the physical CD, it's US$5 for the CD and $2 for shipping.

[denelian.livejournal.com]

erm - you have posted links to songs, or parts of songs. those are what i couldn't listen to. sorry - i should have been more clear.

i *WANT* Sketchy Characters; alas, at this moment, i don't have the money to pay for my meds.

but! i am still owed BDay presents from a few people - and this would be a very inexpensive gift. so i'll harrass some people, because buying a physical CD would get rid of the not-being-able-to-listen-to-posted-songs issue!

[solarbird]

Oh ffs, meds come first. I mean what. Birthday presents maybe should cover those, right?

[denelian.livejournal.com]

erm... i'm sorry, i didn't mean to annoy you. i was just trying to explain why i couldn't purchase it immediately. i had expressed frustration that i couldn't hear your music, you offered me an alternative, i didn't want you to think i was ungrateful [because i'm not - i do want to hear your music. i'm sad that i live in Ohio and have no way of attending a con or a open mic or something where you're busking].
and, honestly, $7 won't pay for any of my meds. it's a very small amount, and they are of the opinion that birthday gifts should be *frivolous*.

[solarbird]

Agh! I'm not annoyed, I'm just agh! meds!

[denelian.livejournal.com]

oh.


yeah :)


trying to work on it. it's a thing. an auction and everything. *crosses fingers*.
tired, used too many spoons, being over-sensitive. sorry! i think i'm going crazy - too! much! snow!

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

*nods* i know how you feel -- i've felt that way about the werewolf novel for *years*, and every time i engage with it it's got all kinds of associated mental difficulty on top of the actual artistic act of writing/editing it.

or as ani difranco put it, "it's cool to discover someone / it's hard to support them", because artistic support is a long-time process, just like doing art is.

summary, hang in there babe, you're doing great :)

[solarbird]

Yeah, I really sympathise with your novel feedback rules and stuff. I didn't get it as much before; I do now, tho'.

I hadn't heard the Ani Difranco commentary before. It makes sense, tho' on the orher hand I guess I don't understand the psychological effort required or something. I'm not sure.

Thanks for the urgeing on. I might post about learning bass later. Part of the hard part is discovering a need for a skill you don't have yet and having to acquire it. It's so much like running into a wall, ne?

[mhaolain.livejournal.com]

I think what you've done is excellent. I've wanted to hear what you play for a while and now that I have, I haven't been able to say anything--I've just been contemplating it.

I know what you mean about wanting feedback even though you are secure enough to do the stuff. It's the knowledge that contact is happening that you need. It is.

I imagine there's a certain level of non-response inherent in the process, and it may be that some people liked it but not enough. It also may be that people don't have the tools necessary to respond and are stuck at that level.

That's another aspect of the internet that is slowly emerging: "I see that I have a re-bar stuck in my head because your work has pointed that out and I'm grateful; but how do I say, pull the re-bar out and learn how to use my limbs again?"

Okay, maybe that's too abstract. On a simpler level, there's interest but there's still too high a barrier somewhere, which means either you have to up your game or remove more obstacles.

[solarbird]

Thanks! Um, I hope that I didn't put the re-bar in your head. But I'm okay with having pointed it out, even if I didn't do it on purpose. ^_^

I definitely have a lot of room to up said game. And I'm working on it. Not easy, tho'. I'll talk about that when I post about learning bass, which I think I'll definitely do now.

[mhaolain.livejournal.com]

No worries!

I meant that all of us trying to understand the whole art and internet thing has pointed out the flaws in the previous system. We're all having to relearn vital skills again because everything has become more democratized

If you are pointing out stuff that's good; one of the functions of art is to arrest the self and throw people back on themselves.

[phillipalden.livejournal.com]

We all need feedback, hopefully constructive feedback.

I've had your CD in my car since I got it. I love it!

[solarbird]

Oh good. Yay! And thanks ^_^

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

I'm not specifically interested in flute music etc so I don't feel like I can comment on the content itself.

I do think it's great that you're playing and growing and producing and performing and all of that. I support the idea of people making the art they want to make and asking for the support they need! I also thought the 'Sketchy Characters' title and album art was cool, it makes me smile every time I see it.

I also especially like this part "I also think people think I have much, much more confidence than I actually do. I don’t, really. I just say fukkit and do things anyway." That's how many people GET confidence, by forging forwards anyway, and not everyone realizes that, go you!

[solarbird]

Well, it's not flute music, tho' I will later do an instrumental CD that will have flute music on it. Artefacts has a flute solo over the bridge, but that's it on Sketchy Characters for flute. It's all voice/mandolin/bouzouki/bass/drum work, really. Thanks for the encouragement regardless tho'! The "doing it anyway" part is a lot easier with that. ^_^

[flit.livejournal.com]

This is going to sound like a totally lame excuse but while I've been reading about your creative process and it's fascinating and I really do want to listen to your music, my music-listening logistics are SO BAD right now, and so horrifyingly spoon-consuming when I'm already in spoon-debt, that if it's not right in front of my face (live music played at the farmers market or a local thing that someone else wants to go to with me) or already on my iPod, it might as well be on the moon. I killed my computer headphones and I don't have the spoons to fix them, or the spoons to load new music onto my iPod from my desktop, or the spoons to sit at my desktop and listen to music. CDs waiting to be ripped on my desktop, also on the moon. :/ So you might get feedback as soon as the not very useful year 2012. (Isn't that the Mayan calendar doomsday?)

[solarbird]

Yeah, again, like above: health trumps listening to my music. I mean srsly.

[batyatoon]

You know I love "When You Leave" to little spiky bits. :D

"Cascadia" has proved really good music for getting stuff done to. I had meant to ask you for the lyrics to "Outbirds" and "Artefacts", because what I can hear sounds fascinating but I'm not sure I'm hearing it right.

[solarbird]

Yay!

Also, o, rite, I have a CD out, I should have lyrics pages! Yet more to do omg.

If you have a physical CD, btw, some lyrics are printed inside the cover. If not, some are on the bandcamp site. ^_^ One verse and chorus, I think, for each song. It's a start, ne?