If I’m this neurotic, why aren’t I acting?

[solarbird]

I like feedback on things. I really do. I kinda need it. I mean, I’m not looking for people to tell me what I should be recording and shouldn’t – fuck that. I have my music and I write it and I’m recording it, slowly. I kinda just want to know people care enough to react in some way. I tend to think other people want that too, which is why I’m a little hyperactive with the “like” link on Facebook posts, and junk like that. It’s a way of saying, “I saw this and am telling you so.”

I think people tend to forget that I’m totally still feeling my way forward on all this recording and writing and playing and just assume I know more than I do. In fact, this post is triggered by mentioning privately to someone that I was feeling kind of disappointed by the lack of commentary back to me on Sketchy Characters. (Mind you, I know a lot of tracks got played, because Bandcamp has good stats, and that’s super-awesome! But I heard from like four people out of substantially more than 100.) And the person I mentioned this to replied – paraphrasing all this, of course – that they’d listened and just kind of assumed that I knew they liked my music, which I kinda hadn’t done. I kind of have to fight off the whole, “well, they’re saying nothing rather than saying how much that sucked” insecurity bullshit.

I also think people think I have much, much more confidence than I actually do. I don’t, really. I just say fukkit and do things anyway.

And really I suppose were I a Better Self-Actualised Person or whatever psychobabble you put on it, I wouldn’t care. In fact, I shouldn’t! Good artists ignore critics and work for the work, I’m told. (And really, I do. I love this. I just played an hour set for my sound baffles. Yes, I’ll play for inanimate objects. It’s good practice for farmer’s markets, aheh…) But I’ve been playing anything other than flute for barely two years, and while yeah, I’ll say it: I learn pretty fucking fast, I’m still pretty overwhelmed by all the shit I don’t know, and all the things I don’t even know that I don’t know!

Plus there’s the whole, “does this even register out there?” thing. Does it?

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Mirrored from Crime and the Blog of Evil.

Comments

[denelian.livejournal.com]

erm... i'm sorry, i didn't mean to annoy you. i was just trying to explain why i couldn't purchase it immediately. i had expressed frustration that i couldn't hear your music, you offered me an alternative, i didn't want you to think i was ungrateful [because i'm not - i do want to hear your music. i'm sad that i live in Ohio and have no way of attending a con or a open mic or something where you're busking].
and, honestly, $7 won't pay for any of my meds. it's a very small amount, and they are of the opinion that birthday gifts should be *frivolous*.

[solarbird]

Agh! I'm not annoyed, I'm just agh! meds!

[denelian.livejournal.com]

oh.


yeah :)


trying to work on it. it's a thing. an auction and everything. *crosses fingers*.
tired, used too many spoons, being over-sensitive. sorry! i think i'm going crazy - too! much! snow!