solarbird | Yes, yes, Rocky Horror remake

Okay, look, there's pretty much exactly one way wherein the whole Rocky Horror Picture Show remake idea gets interesting: an all-Scientology cast. Honestly. Okay, maybe not honestly, but I think the idea has a couple of lulz. What's your cast? Personally, I'd nominate:

John Travolta as Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Sure, sure, it's easy, but the decay will make him terrifying, and he's got experience in drag. Also, he's played a transvestite in film. (I know, I know, too easy...)
Katie Holmes as Janet Weiss, largely because of the seasoning brought by the off-screen freakshow drama with...
Tom Cruise's Super-Ego as Brad Majors. Small, ineffective, and desperately overcompensating. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. But that's not all! We have...
Tom Cruise's Id as Rocky Horror. (Yes, yes, I know, double-casting. But he's an OT, right? He should be capable! And c'mon, picture him prancing around in those mouldy goldies. Weeks of nightmares.)
Cartoon Xenu, voiced by Nancy Cartwright, as Riff Raff. Villain... or hero?
Kirstie Alley as Magenta. She's played aliens with weird sex drives, and besides, she has that crazed look you need.
Lisa Marie-Presley as Columbia. Aheh.
Isaac Hayes as The Criminologist. Picture him saying "Heavy. Dark. and Pendulous," and I think you'll be sold.
Beck as Beck, playing Eddie. No, he can't act, but so what?
The Re-animated Corpse of L. Ron Hubbard as Dr. Everett von Scott (A Rival Scientist), because you just have to. Finally, in cameo roles:
Giovanni Ribisi as Ralph Hapschatt, because somebody has to do it, and
Greta Van Susteren as Betty Munroe Hapschatt, because who better than a Fox News troll to play a woman subverting her identity to a complete jackass?

Amy Heckerling directs. We tell them it's a metacommentary on The Church of Scientology vs. Psychology, but really, well, with any luck at all, they'd set the location on fire and burn the whole place down around themselves. Or, well, so I can dream.