oh fine, everybody else is doing it...
Jan. 10th, 2011 01:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
solarbirdDay One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
I have some positive ones, some negative ones, and some FUCK YOU ones. It's hard to do the negative ones without getting passive-aggressive, isn't it? Here's my best shot.
1: Yes, I get it; there's no room for me on your RL friendslist. I rather wish you'd said that rather than being encouraging in person and then ignoring other contact until I figured it out. That was uncalled for; I can take a no.
2: Actually, I find you rather attractive. Plus: you have a smart brain! Yay! Sadly, you're all too Str8, and not local, so, well, foo. *^_^*;
3: Funny how as soon as it stopped being about your need for some kind of absolution, I wasn't interesting anymore, innit? I didn't ask you to try to show up in my life again, and 3000 miles isn't far enough away as far as I'm concerned. Seriously: if you get it into your head to show up at my house, I'll call the goddamn cops, and I mean that. Fuck you, strong letter to follow. OH WAIT: I already sent one! That you ignored. FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU.
4: I wish I had some way of convincing you that my interest in your partner isn't a threat to your primary relationship with them. Not only do I not want to be a threat, I actively don't want to be one, and I doubt I could be one even if I tried! You make them very happy and the last thing I want to do is fuck that up. Also, I respect you, for what that's worth. I just wish you'd talk about it so we could clear the air.
5: What is it with you telling me you really want to do something and then not doing it over and over again until I figure out you don't actually want to do it and were just being some desperately confusing sort of polite? And more, why do you bring these things up? Where's the polite in that? Why do you come up with things, insist you really want to do them and will make a point of doing them, and then blow me off? That really fucks with me, and I hate it. And most of all: why do you deny doing this? Goddamn.
6: I miss you terribly, sometimes. I hope you're doing better. It's been a hard decade in a lot of ways for both of us. I insist that things must improve now OK! ^_^
7: Seeing you strongly support someone for doing the same thing you repudiated me for really pisses me off. I don't expect an apology - I don't get those much - and I don't want to be friends again. I mostly just wish I could filter my views of comments on other peoples' posts so it'd be easier to ignore.
8: I like you a lot, actually, even if I don't have any really good reasons for it - few common interests, no social group in common - and I think that lack-of-specific-reasons thing confuses you and I worry that you think I just want in your pants or something. You're gorgeous, but my buttons are very difficult to press, and that's not my motive. I just like you, even if it's sometimes awkward and I don't even have good reasons for it. And I don't know how to bring this up, because usually when I try to bring things like this up, things get weirder, not less weird, and I don't want to make things worse. I hope we'll muddle through to some sort of friendship out of it.
9: I'd like to ask you what it is I do that gets me ignored unless my expertise or support is specifically useful for something and then I'm just BFF until I'm not useful anymore - I call these relationships "utilitarian friendships," and I've had far too many of them - but in my experience, showing that kind of social and emotional vulnerability is just throwing chum in the shark tank, and I'm tired of that particular bait.
10: I've actively given up on getting any traction in your social circle - it's unfortunate, but such is the way of things, and it was too hard on me. But I'd still like to be friends with you. I'm just pretty sure you don't do anything much outside that circle, so really, it's kind of futile. (And, again, bringing it up: shark tank and chum.)
I have some positive ones, some negative ones, and some FUCK YOU ones. It's hard to do the negative ones without getting passive-aggressive, isn't it? Here's my best shot.
1: Yes, I get it; there's no room for me on your RL friendslist. I rather wish you'd said that rather than being encouraging in person and then ignoring other contact until I figured it out. That was uncalled for; I can take a no.
2: Actually, I find you rather attractive. Plus: you have a smart brain! Yay! Sadly, you're all too Str8, and not local, so, well, foo. *^_^*;
3: Funny how as soon as it stopped being about your need for some kind of absolution, I wasn't interesting anymore, innit? I didn't ask you to try to show up in my life again, and 3000 miles isn't far enough away as far as I'm concerned. Seriously: if you get it into your head to show up at my house, I'll call the goddamn cops, and I mean that. Fuck you, strong letter to follow. OH WAIT: I already sent one! That you ignored. FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU.
4: I wish I had some way of convincing you that my interest in your partner isn't a threat to your primary relationship with them. Not only do I not want to be a threat, I actively don't want to be one, and I doubt I could be one even if I tried! You make them very happy and the last thing I want to do is fuck that up. Also, I respect you, for what that's worth. I just wish you'd talk about it so we could clear the air.
5: What is it with you telling me you really want to do something and then not doing it over and over again until I figure out you don't actually want to do it and were just being some desperately confusing sort of polite? And more, why do you bring these things up? Where's the polite in that? Why do you come up with things, insist you really want to do them and will make a point of doing them, and then blow me off? That really fucks with me, and I hate it. And most of all: why do you deny doing this? Goddamn.
6: I miss you terribly, sometimes. I hope you're doing better. It's been a hard decade in a lot of ways for both of us. I insist that things must improve now OK! ^_^
7: Seeing you strongly support someone for doing the same thing you repudiated me for really pisses me off. I don't expect an apology - I don't get those much - and I don't want to be friends again. I mostly just wish I could filter my views of comments on other peoples' posts so it'd be easier to ignore.
8: I like you a lot, actually, even if I don't have any really good reasons for it - few common interests, no social group in common - and I think that lack-of-specific-reasons thing confuses you and I worry that you think I just want in your pants or something. You're gorgeous, but my buttons are very difficult to press, and that's not my motive. I just like you, even if it's sometimes awkward and I don't even have good reasons for it. And I don't know how to bring this up, because usually when I try to bring things like this up, things get weirder, not less weird, and I don't want to make things worse. I hope we'll muddle through to some sort of friendship out of it.
9: I'd like to ask you what it is I do that gets me ignored unless my expertise or support is specifically useful for something and then I'm just BFF until I'm not useful anymore - I call these relationships "utilitarian friendships," and I've had far too many of them - but in my experience, showing that kind of social and emotional vulnerability is just throwing chum in the shark tank, and I'm tired of that particular bait.
10: I've actively given up on getting any traction in your social circle - it's unfortunate, but such is the way of things, and it was too hard on me. But I'd still like to be friends with you. I'm just pretty sure you don't do anything much outside that circle, so really, it's kind of futile. (And, again, bringing it up: shark tank and chum.)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 07:55 pm (UTC)I dunno. I'm beginning to wonder if this loneliness is just part of the world we live in, y'know? Does everyone feel this way?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 10:18 pm (UTC)I consider it a HUGE advance and leap forward that I have found one (ONE!) person that I might (MAYBE) consider a new friend in the past couple of years, and that we might (MAYBE) wind up doing something social outside of work at some point. If time permits. Maybe. perhaps.
But that said, my life isn't yours, and vice/versa, so my projection of my own experience onto yours may or may not be useful at all.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 08:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 02:13 am (UTC)You're a rock star.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 10:03 pm (UTC)As for the general concept of friends, or alleged friends, not following through when they themselves proposed an activity, I'm afraid I'm guilty of that one far too often. It's this damned pain-and-fatigue disorder and I hate it, and it mostly means that my friends have to come to me instead of me going to them. I really try, but I don't succeed in getting out half enough even when I've said, and legitimately meant, that I want to.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 05:08 pm (UTC)The problem, of course, is that I now generally assume - because it's been the overwhelming majority of the time these last several years - that when somebody says something of the sort in nr. 5, they don't mean it and won't do it. (There are people who are exceptions, but they're few in number.) I try to discard the entire thing as noise as quickly as possible, so as not to cause further resentment, because I have more than my fair share of that now.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 08:52 am (UTC)I mean WTFF?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 04:59 pm (UTC)Item 10 isn't actually a bad one, really. It references unfortunate failures to connect, but the main point is okay.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 10:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 05:10 pm (UTC)