As usual

[solarbird]

<checks> Yep, still a dyke. Happy National Coming Out Day!

Comments

Re: So?

[loopback.livejournal.com]

Really? Seriously?

I mean, REALLY?

I mean, maybe you have a close friendship & that makes this kind of thing ok between you, but that statement really got under my skin. You do get why 'National Coming Out Day' is kind of a big deal, and how being a lesbian is markedly, fundamentally, significantly different from being a heterosexual male, right?

Maybe I misread your tone, but ... yeah. wow.

Tone

[seferin.livejournal.com]

My tone was intended to be blase, to convey that her sexuality neither devalues her, nor is anything I consider to be importance in evaluating her character, nor, frankly any of my business.

I'll readily apologize for a crass statement and any offense I have caused either one of you. It was intended as a humorous method of conveying support, albeit one which was ill thought of.

I am sorry for offending.

Re: Tone

[loopback.livejournal.com]

You know, you didn't intend to be mean or cause offense, so I don't really think you need to go out of your way to apologize. Rather, I think saying, "oh DAMN i didn't mean that, I'm sorry" is sufficient.

What I would suggest, I guess, is just ... read about this stuff? I don't know, I don't know you or your background, and I don't want to make a bunch of assumptions about you or your life or what you think/do/know. But ... the reason I said something, was because I thought perhaps you spoke, not out of malice or meanness, but out of a genuine lack of awareness/understanding of the difference.

So don't be sorry. take this opportunity and learn from it.

I've fucked up plenty plenty PLENTY of times over various issues and other people's sensitivities because I flat didn't know about them or their context. everyone has blind spots, and that is ok. Until they get pointed out to us, then it's our job to learn about 'em.

Sorry if this seems all preachy, I don't want it to come off that way, but I don't want your only take-away from this little thing to be "I need to apologize".

Re: So?

[cow.livejournal.com]

I commented privately to solarbird roughly this. I'm glad to see I'm the only one that wasn't really bothered by it.

Re: So?

[solarbird]

Well, strictly speaking, I'm bi. (Dyke isn't exclusive to Kinsey 6es.) I'm also poly (despite my single-partner status) so that Kinsey 3.5 thing I've got going isn't pure theory. At least, not in theory. XD

I apologize for my flippant tone.

[seferin.livejournal.com]

It was intended to be humorous and am sorry that I offended you. I will not make sure statements again in the future.

Re: I apologize for my flippant tone.

[solarbird]

I didn't think you were trying to be offensive, and at least you didn't try to out yourself as a male lesbian or declare your love for someone of the opposite gender by saying you'd undergo gender reassignment so you could go gay for them and ask whether that counted.

her sexuality neither devalues her, nor is anything I consider to be importance in evaluating her character, nor, frankly any of my business.
Except that's not really an option. I mean, heterosexuality is on display constantly, and isn't even seen as being on display, in that sense of a fish and water. It is presumed to be everybody's business, and in fact is everybody's business, as the state and the economy both are structured around it. It's everybody's business and it's officially supported on every level; damn few people have been anonymously and publicly harassed, politically campaigned against, officially discriminated against, sent to hospital, or been made illegal for being heterosexual. Meanwhile, every queer person over the age of 7 in the US has dealt with at least one of these, generally more, and in many cases, has dealt with all of them, just for being detectable. Not even for being "out." For being discoverable at all. For existing.

And yes, I'm one of the "many."

I don't know that this communicates any of the experience; there's an entire world of support in which straight people are nested that is openly and actively hostile to us. I've personally worked six campaigns against popular initiatives designed to make the government, through law, discriminate against me even more, just for existing. I've gone door-to-door starting discussions with people about why they shouldn't vote to pass law against me; the organisers would send us out in teams of two, so that if we got attacked, there'd be a better chance of one of us getting away, and some hope that the police might do something, They even sent us out in mixed-gender pairs, with the hope that attacks would be less likely. Meanwhile, the "yes" vote would be running ads calling us dangerous, violent, rapists, and child molesters and saying we're going to destroy civilisation.

This has been true my entire life.

That's the experience you're talking to, and also the experience you're saying is none of your business. It is a straight person's business, because straight people have always made it their business, in the worst possible ways, and always made heterosexuality our business - and still do.

How should I have phrased the sentiment?

[seferin.livejournal.com]

That is, 'I have no right to judge you, nor impose on you my will.' ?

Re: How should I have phrased the sentiment?

[solarbird]

It's not about phrasing. It's about understanding the situation that makes this an event, rather than pointless. If you understand the environment I describe, I think you'll have better ideas what kinds of things to say, and what constitutes support. But I could be wrong.