long meme day 3
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
solarbirdEight ways to win my heart? Were it only so easy. But I'll give you eight things that make me feel less alienated, how's that?
1. Just tell the truth already. If you mean no, say no. Don't say yes and hope I'll guess you really mean no. Don't say you want to see me more often then never invite me to anything and never do anything I suggest. Say what you actually think, even when it's not what I want to hear. Tell the truth. Kindly, if it's harsh, of course - but always the truth.
2. One hop over: Communicate. For fuck's sake, communicate. Don't be silent and hope I'll figure out what you mean. I've talked about this before, with that whole no-answer thing. I'm a word-using mammal. I use words. Please use them back at me.
The inverse is part of the package: don't lock my words out. I dumped a boyfriend years ago over him deciding not to listen to me. He was wrong about something relevant and mildly important, and I was right, and he admitted that later, but he refused outright to listen because He Knew Better, Because He Just Did, and even said something along the lines of, "okay, go ahead and say whatever it is you're going to say because you just have to say it even though it doesn't make any difference, so say it and get it over with." It wasn't even during a fight, he just didn't want me to use words at him. Look: I know dealing with elves is more work for humans than dealing with other humans is. But you guys have no idea how much work I'm doing on this end to make talking with you work at all. You want into my heart? Reciprocate a little.
3. Care about things I do, particularly creative things. I try to support other peoples' creative endeavours, and show sympathy in difficult times; throw some of that back to me. I've been through a lot of no-one-to-talk-to, and that shit's hard. And the arts? People seem to have this idea I'm entirely self-sufficient or something. I try to be, because most of the time I have to, but really, I'm not.
4. Include me in stuff. Even if I often can't attend or don't attend, give me the chance to opt in. That way I know you think of me, which, mostly, people don't, unless they need a problem solved.
5. Care about result more than the game. One way American politics has driven itself into a ditch is becoming entirely about a combination of sports and tribalist bullshit; the races matter and the policies kinda don't, which is how parties can campaign on A, proceed to do the inverse of A, and still get rewarded.
I've recently seen some liberals mocking Tea Party activists for being upset about actions by the GOP leadership that are against Tea Party goals, expressing variations of, 'You won, and you're still complaining! Christ, you're a pack of morons!' No, they're the ones actually paying attention to what happens rather than whose label stack is higher. That sounds to me like they have the right idea, at least on that front.
Or, the tl;dr - care more about the data itself than who is presenting it.
6. Do music with me, or want to (for reals) if you can't. This isn't quite the same as creative collaboration - I have so little experience with that that I don't know how it works out in the general sense. (Tho' "Coyote" went well, I think. ^_^ )
7. Think, ffs. Don't just react to keywords, don't reflexively look for ways to shut down thinking, don't use standard jokes without heavy irony. Recognise variance. I know the standard jokes are tribal identification and I appreciate the function that has for many of you, and even those can be funny at times, used properly. But mostly, it's just reflex. Think.
8. Make me laugh. It's a cliche, sure, but, well, part of humour is surprise, and I am a neophile. Make me laugh.
1. Just tell the truth already. If you mean no, say no. Don't say yes and hope I'll guess you really mean no. Don't say you want to see me more often then never invite me to anything and never do anything I suggest. Say what you actually think, even when it's not what I want to hear. Tell the truth. Kindly, if it's harsh, of course - but always the truth.
2. One hop over: Communicate. For fuck's sake, communicate. Don't be silent and hope I'll figure out what you mean. I've talked about this before, with that whole no-answer thing. I'm a word-using mammal. I use words. Please use them back at me.
The inverse is part of the package: don't lock my words out. I dumped a boyfriend years ago over him deciding not to listen to me. He was wrong about something relevant and mildly important, and I was right, and he admitted that later, but he refused outright to listen because He Knew Better, Because He Just Did, and even said something along the lines of, "okay, go ahead and say whatever it is you're going to say because you just have to say it even though it doesn't make any difference, so say it and get it over with." It wasn't even during a fight, he just didn't want me to use words at him. Look: I know dealing with elves is more work for humans than dealing with other humans is. But you guys have no idea how much work I'm doing on this end to make talking with you work at all. You want into my heart? Reciprocate a little.
3. Care about things I do, particularly creative things. I try to support other peoples' creative endeavours, and show sympathy in difficult times; throw some of that back to me. I've been through a lot of no-one-to-talk-to, and that shit's hard. And the arts? People seem to have this idea I'm entirely self-sufficient or something. I try to be, because most of the time I have to, but really, I'm not.
4. Include me in stuff. Even if I often can't attend or don't attend, give me the chance to opt in. That way I know you think of me, which, mostly, people don't, unless they need a problem solved.
5. Care about result more than the game. One way American politics has driven itself into a ditch is becoming entirely about a combination of sports and tribalist bullshit; the races matter and the policies kinda don't, which is how parties can campaign on A, proceed to do the inverse of A, and still get rewarded.
I've recently seen some liberals mocking Tea Party activists for being upset about actions by the GOP leadership that are against Tea Party goals, expressing variations of, 'You won, and you're still complaining! Christ, you're a pack of morons!' No, they're the ones actually paying attention to what happens rather than whose label stack is higher. That sounds to me like they have the right idea, at least on that front.
Or, the tl;dr - care more about the data itself than who is presenting it.
6. Do music with me, or want to (for reals) if you can't. This isn't quite the same as creative collaboration - I have so little experience with that that I don't know how it works out in the general sense. (Tho' "Coyote" went well, I think. ^_^ )
7. Think, ffs. Don't just react to keywords, don't reflexively look for ways to shut down thinking, don't use standard jokes without heavy irony. Recognise variance. I know the standard jokes are tribal identification and I appreciate the function that has for many of you, and even those can be funny at times, used properly. But mostly, it's just reflex. Think.
8. Make me laugh. It's a cliche, sure, but, well, part of humour is surprise, and I am a neophile. Make me laugh.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 07:04 am (UTC)early morning comment is kinda repetitive.
Date: 2011-01-12 11:25 am (UTC)I'm a word-using mammal. I use words. Please use them back at me.
And I really like how your words got this particular point across, especially. "I'm a word-using mammal" feels like something that should be announced whenever possible.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 03:10 pm (UTC)Re: early morning comment is kinda repetitive.
Date: 2011-01-12 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 04:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 08:26 pm (UTC)I'd really like to see you, hopefully to make music but just coming over for dinner or something would be okay too. Because I am both chronically sick and buried under have-tos, the want-tos don't get much of my energy, and that includes going out much except when I need to pick up children, attend class, etc. If you're as interested in seeing us as we are in seeing you, would you (and Anna, of course, if she wants to, but if she doesn't we still want to see you) consider coming over here to visit sometime over the next several weekends? I don't like having to ask people to come to me, but it's sometimes the only way I get to see anybody, and I like you.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-17 01:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-17 08:43 am (UTC)Y'know what's even better than yesnoyesno? The "I'll pretend you didn't tell me this thing and passively-aggressively assign motivation for handing over some data you want to you, so you can only have it if you agree to my terms and put me in control over the whole situation" game. The person day one nr. 3 was about is trying to start that game up now. I am so pissed off now.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 02:43 am (UTC)It's weird when people privately decide to redact their words and expect you to just be cool with that. Unsaid regrets don't make YOU feel any better or more comfortable with it. Leaves a bad taste in the mouth and tension in the air. bleaaagh